[He'll have to deal with this eventually. He'll have to deal with it and he knows it, because Jiang Cheng will regain these missing fragments and this place is vast but too, too small. "If we both exist in this world, then of course we'll meet." He'd said that to Lan Wangji what feels like days and years ago; it had been true in the familiarity of home, and it's still true here. He will have to deal with this.
But he can't do that if he can barely wrangle the complex knot of emotion well enough to keep his pace even-keeled as he leaves, instead of breaking into a run. He can't look his little brother in the eye and see the soft edges of his youth, back when he was just A-Cheng and not Sect Leader Jiang, and their older sister spoiled them with extra shares of meat in their broth instead of lying cold in a casket he'd never even seen. He can't, with an unburdened conscience, talk to a Jiang Cheng who doesn't know - and can't yet learn of - the multitudes of crimes he's committed. How could he even consider it?
He will have to deal with this, but he can't just yet. Most of the ugly feelings and upset thoughts tiding through him are nameless and difficult to transmit even intentionally, so at least Jiang Cheng is spared from having to deal with everything there.
Everything but a gentle, drifting I'm sorry as he turns the corner and walks away from his brother again.]
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But he can't do that if he can barely wrangle the complex knot of emotion well enough to keep his pace even-keeled as he leaves, instead of breaking into a run. He can't look his little brother in the eye and see the soft edges of his youth, back when he was just A-Cheng and not Sect Leader Jiang, and their older sister spoiled them with extra shares of meat in their broth instead of lying cold in a casket he'd never even seen. He can't, with an unburdened conscience, talk to a Jiang Cheng who doesn't know - and can't yet learn of - the multitudes of crimes he's committed. How could he even consider it?
He will have to deal with this, but he can't just yet. Most of the ugly feelings and upset thoughts tiding through him are nameless and difficult to transmit even intentionally, so at least Jiang Cheng is spared from having to deal with everything there.
Everything but a gentle, drifting I'm sorry as he turns the corner and walks away from his brother again.]